


don't you blow up too

by taenzanite



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: M/M, the sun blows up what else can i say
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-04
Updated: 2018-11-04
Packaged: 2019-08-18 19:42:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16523429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taenzanite/pseuds/taenzanite
Summary: even if the sun is gone, mark has donghyuck





	don't you blow up too

stargazing is a matter of belief.

  
do you know how many of those stars that you see are actually there?

  
and how many are in the process of imploding upon themselves? how many are long, long gone, imploded before even your grandparents were born?

  
how many stars are there yet to be, currently going through the many chemical processes it takes to exist?

  
you don’t know. it’s a matter of belief, looking up at that star veiled sky, because you don’t know. the only thing you know is that you don’t know.

➰

it happens during pe.

  
donghyuck’s legs are folded up close to his body, arms wrapped around them. he sniffs aggressively, trying to suction all the snot stuck in his nostrils back into his skull. he’s wearing at least five layers of clothing, crumpled in on himself against the cold breeze that sweeps across his face and pulls a red hue into the tips of his ears. choosing to calmly ignore the majority of his class who are out on the field, actually doing what they’re supposed to be doing, which is participate in the hellish sport of soccer, he rocks back on his freezing butt to stare up at the bland grey sky, the constance of it, and how it melts into the equally grey horizon. everything is so grey. donghyuck hates grey.

  
and then, suddenly, it’s not anymore.

 

suddenly, it’s dark.

  
donghyuck blinks into the black, surroundings being pulled back into visibility by that good old widening of the pupils.

  
he recognizes the yells and shouts as those of his class. he also recognizes the terror that wracks each voice.

 

maybe he doesn’t mind grey so much.

➰

that evening, when the sky is the same unreadable black it has been all day- the term “evening” now somewhat useless- donghyuck watches the sun blow up.

  
each undulation of the massive amber ball, pillars of light flaring outwards from it, like limbs flailing out in pain.

  
and then it’s gone, a sudden blaze of painful light as a grand finale, and then, the sun is gone.

  
donghyuck taps the “replay” button with one polished red nail, and proceeds to watch each movement of the dying star again. and then again. again. again.

➰

the cashier doesn’t ask for his id.

 

okay. that surprises donghyuck a little. but the surprise feels good, a normal emotion, normality in all of this insanity. even if that comforting sensation is immediately ripped apart by the haunted eyes of the cashier.

  
the only person donghyuck really considers a friend props his hands on his hips, a chastising expression on his face.

  
but it’s not until they’re sitting on the curb outside the convenience store, not until donghyuck takes his sixth inhale from the newly bought cigarette that mark actually says anything.

  
“that thing’s gonna kill you, y’know,” donghyuck whips his eyes up to the older boy sharply. mark winces slightly, just with a corner of his mouth, clearly realizing his mistake.

  
“the fuck does it matter?” He snaps. “we’re all gonna die anyways.”

  
mark’s eyes fall to the pavement, and donghyuck feels a stab of guilt at his ruined expression.

  
“well, maybe... maybe somebody will figure something out,” mark says, but the hope in his voice dies with every word.

  
“maybe.” smoke escapes donghyuck’s lips as he sighs, and then he reaches out to silently intertwine his fingers with mark’s. his hand is warm, despite it being laid bare against the frigid temperatures.

which will only continue to drop, because the sun is gone.

➰

“jaemin finally asked jeno and renjun out.”

  
donghyuck just grunts in reply, too busy blowing on his hot chocolate to articulate a coherent answer. mark impatiently nudges his foot with his long toenailed one, and donghyuck pauses from his careful cooling mechanism. his head has gone all light and dizzy anyways.

  
“really?” he tries to make his voice sound interested but it just falls flat. he doesn’t particularly care about the romantic endeavours of his friend’s friends who are not his friends. mark rolls his eyes without much conviction.

  
“yeah. and now apparently they’re off in poly power couple land.” mark reaches out for his own mug of hot chocolate placed conveniently right out of his reach. he ends up flopping back against the burgundy cushions of the couch, frustrated, domghyuck watching him amusedly.

  
“that’s dumb.” donghyuck finally chooses as a reply.

  
“what is?” mark scrunches his nose, a habit donghyuck has had the misfortune of picking up.

  
“confessing. relationships. love.” donghyuck shrugs dully.

  
“why’s that?” the way mark cocks his head at him makes him internally reconsider his words.

  
“well... because this,” donghyuck shrugs again, more emphatically this time, splaying his fingers as he waves a hand around at the room. at all the lamps turned on at full brightness even though it’s only 3 in the afternoon. at the blackness hovering outside all the windows, only suppressed by the amount of energy being put into artificial light. “even if whoever you like likes you back, even if you start dating, what’s the point? what are you going to do then? there’s not enough time left for us to be doing anything with love. it’s dumb.”

  
a thoughtful knot settles itself between mark’s eyebrows. “maybe... maybe people just want to spend their last days with the ones they love, being loved and loving to their fullest extent. living their lives as if they’ll die tomorrow, because they might actually. you know. die. tomorrow.”

  
donghyuck scowls at this logical reproach. “but love is stupid in the first place.” and you’re proof, he adds to himself, but doesn’t voice the thought aloud.

  
“you think so?” mark stretches out a leg, the lengths of their calves brushing.

  
“yes. yes, i do.” donghyuck sets down his hot mug just so he can cross his arms and glare at mark. this is starting to get uncomfortable, considering they’re discussing the exact way donghyuck feels towards mark.

  
“so...” usually, this would be the point at which mark breaks off the eye contact, with a little giggle that donghyuck doesn’t understand, but he keeps his dark eyes trained on donghyuck. “so would you call me stupid if I told you I loved you?”

  
“hypothetically, yes.” donghyuck’s voice is uneven. “but, truthfully, no, because i could never call you stupid. except for when you’re laughing. you look dumb when you’re laughing. but i like you dumb. i like you stupid. i like when you laugh your dumb, stupid laugh.” donghyuck’s heart is rising in his throat, filling him up with that ecstatic, jittery exhilaration. “i like you.”

  
“fuck. really?” mark’s voice cracks, and donghyuck would laugh if it wasn’t for the fact that he is on the verge of falling apart. he doesn’t know what the shock on mark’s face means.

  
“i guess.” donghyuck can’t fall back into his usual nonchalant attitude, even as he’s trying, so he just waves a hand at mark, trying to ignore the burning of his face. “come here.”

  
mark does, and then his hands are firmly planted on donghyuck’s cheeks, and with every passing second his lips manage to convince donghyuck a little more that maybe this isn’t so dumb after all, maybe it’s not so pointless after all.

➰

stargazing is a matter of belief.

  
but looking up at all those pinpricks of distant, perhaps nonexistent light, we can believe.

  
here, in mark’s arms, frigidity of the ground seeping through their coats, eyes roving over the sky, they can believe.

  
they are dumb, stupid, pointless, insignificant, perhaps nonexistent, facing death.

they are everything and nothing at all.

but mark holds donghyuck a little tighter, and they are believing.

**Author's Note:**

> do you ever think about the fact that the sun could have just imploded on itself and you’ll live out the next eight minutes of your life in complete blissful ignorance


End file.
